One of the things I struggle with is impatience. I can be a mightily impatient individual. I’ve been resting my knees lately, and I miss the rush of the wind in my hair as I sit on the bus. The extra 5-15 minutes spent commuting seems interminable. When I want something, I want it 10 minutes ago. This goes for everything from french fries to a Ph.D.
This impatience, I believe, springs from a place in my past when “Maybe” invariably meant “No”. When I learned that to tip one’s hand, even in innocence or honesty, was to give away the truth of what one really wanted - and that giving away the truth was the same as giving away the wish. If what you wanted was known, it wouldn’t happen. That sounds odd - it was - but I’ve grown up and moved on. It’s no longer rational to relate to the world by those rules, yet I struggle with impatience in many things. An impatience that is driven by the irrational certainty that “Maybe” is “No” and “5 minutes from now” might as well be “Never”.
I want to be exceptionally good at things. Immediately. I want problems to disappear, absolutely. I want things to be final, absolute, and certain. I can hear Buddha chuckling at me too, but it doesn’t always relieve these irrational desires.
In the last couple of weeks I have been visited by problems that I wish would go away. I have been petulant and indignant. Oh, The Horror of being an Adult! To have to deal with This. Myself. Me. I. Alone.
Like most things that suck, it’s been a philosophical gift. Because I have realized how long it has taken me to get to where I am at this moment.
I like where I am.
I haven’t liked everything along the way, and I wish I were already at the horizon I see - but I have, in truth, been making significant progress. And it has been sloooow. And steady. And I can live with that. Immediate may be nice, but this kind of gratification has been worth the wait.
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