viragette

How many times have we thought, “if only I knew then…”? Like, if only we could go back to high school now and tell our 15-year old selves all this stuff we know now, we could have been so much cooler.

Except for those unhappy people who are less cool now, and - like - wouldn’t even talk to their 15-year old selves. Just for the record, I tried, and my 15-year old self totally ignored me. That bitch had it all figured out.

Anyway, coolness, or more generally - charisma, is fascinating. Charismatic people always have, and always will, hold great sway over the actions of others. To become the change you seek in the world is hard enough. The sheer force of your charisma can convey that change to others. And, dammit, the cooler the better.

Starter rules for cool:

1. Do not care whether other people think you are cool.

2. Express yourself. Call bullshit when you see it. If you swear, swear big. And for heavens sake, smile. Wave at your neighbors. Talk to people, even people giving you change. Especially people giving you change. And especially if you are outside your normal area. In fact, talk to anybody and everybody and when they talk to you, listen.

3. Care about important stuff - like global events. Don’t discount this as a token criterion - this is key. Cool people really give.

4. Care about people. The key to being cool is being genuine in this.

5. No pissy driving. This is a sad one for me - the way uncool people have ruined the bad-ass driving for us cool folks. It’s just lame when people who lack the skillz for the crazy driving try to drive all crazy. No one likes that. But now you get really uncool people acting nuts behind the wheel too, and as anyone knows, this is when the true hipsters jump ship.

It used to be some punk who would get up right behind you and pass you on the right. Not now. Now it’s the most tragically uncool segments of the population that drive like this. They’ve ruined it for us. Who tries to run you over in a cross walk these days? Angry, affluent, middle aged, overweight white women in minivans. Sorry ladies, but - not cool. And people (God even knows who) in Hummers with those peeing Calvin stickers on the back window. So. Not. Cool.

By comparing notes back at cool headquarters, I know that the route to driving Nirvana is to drive at a respectful pace, and above all, let people merge when they ask politely. Intelligent use of force is still required at certain times: there is still no excuse for lame-ass crawling-slow passing. But, be laid back and when the unhip bug out and glare at you, smile at them. And then, just between us and when they are gone - laugh. This is so, so cool.

6. John Stewart Mill famously said: “While not all politically conservative people are tragically unhip, it is true that most tragically unhip people are politically conservative.” So true. However, cool sees no distinctions of race, creed, sexual orientation, age, whatever. Like, duh. The only way to forfeit cool as relates to differences is to be disrespectful. Give a shit, but don’t browbeat or insult someone else’s beliefs*. That sucks. People don’t like someone because they are cool, someone is cool because people like them. And no one likes an asshole (see #7, below). *Unless you can be really funny while doing it, then that’s pretty cool.

7. There is no “try” there is only “do”. There are some people who can be way, way cool and also, frankly, an asshole. We know this. These people are capable of starting asshole-behavior epidemics (see #5, above). Sort of like smoking. (Certain key people who smoke are cool, and uncool people see this and think “Smoking is cool”. No, dumbfuck. (see #2, above). That person who smokes is cool.) Smoking can’t make you cool. Neither can being as asshole. When wondering, “Hmmm, that cool person got away with that but I’m not sure if I could” - don’t bother unless you want to without regard to cool (see #1, above). Being cool is about being yourself.

8. Butt love. Ladies and gentleman, it is time to stop with the self-loathing. To be cool, you must love your body - as it is. So, give it up girls - and like your butt. Just as it is. This is very cool. You might even adopt the mannerism of giving the caboose a good smack to punctuate your speech at key moments. For example,

“I had to go to the mall today”, *Loath tone, rolls eyes* “… to get another pair of those big-weave, fishnet over-the-knee black stockings with the hole cut out for my kneecap and, dude, chicks were totally checkin’ out my outfit. And I was all like, ‘Sweet!’” *SMACKS OWN ASS*

Do what you want with the exercise and diet, and remember that your body is your temple. If you are good to it, it will be good to you. Treat it right - and please tell it that it looks very pretty today.

9. Tip like you’re tipping St. Peter. Especially if you’re at the Blue Nile Ethiopian Restaurant in Minneapolis and your waiter is a 6 foot + tall German, Scandinavian, Jewish B-boy with an “I Heart Zapatista Mujeres” bumpersticker on his car. We cool people have to stick together.

Yo. peace Out my peeps.