viragette

Usually, I manage to keep my social engagements hermetically sealed. That way, they can’t propagate themselves. But, evidently, they got together behind my back and hatched a plan. After wearing me down all last week, several of them attacked me at once this weekend.

Even living La Vida Viragette, I did manage to notice that maybe there is something in the air. There is something going around: a rash - no, wait, that sounds bad - a spate of break-ups among the lovely and talented people I know.

This post has been percolating for a while, and is a strong contender for the most amazingly ludicrous number of tangents that could be inserted between the title and the point. But, I’m just going to come right out and say it. The nice men of this world deserve an apology from women-kind.

So - nice guys - listen up (yes, both of you). Women DO like jerks, sorry. There, I said it.

This is a confession to the nice men from a former card-carrying member of the “otherwise sane women who inconceivably go out with assholes”. How many TIMES have I listened to some nice man say “I just don’t get it, does she like being treated badly?” (They were telling me this because I looked so sane, you see - that was the beauty of it.) I mean, it is so obvious that even the jerky guys notice, and honey, they barely notice anything about you. Yes, she does want to be treated badly.

Let’s not be stupid here. No one likes being treated badly. And it’s never right to do that. I’m not going off on that tangent today because you can’t handle that tangent, trust me.

Nice guys always want to know why. Why, why, why? Because, like, they care about other people, or something. The reasons for this rampant insanity are as numerous and individual as the people who don’t realize they are contributing to it. But I’m here to tell you that there are some universal, biologically determined constants that run through all of us, and people who are treated badly and keep coming back for more do that because they were treated badly by someone in the past. I don’t care what they say their reason is - that is why. Once again, the most common response of the sane to insanity is more insanity. (Intelligent design my foot.)

Now, as many men as women endure terrible treatment for the wrong reason, but as a woman I feel more able to comment on us girls. And this is my comment: Stop going for the jerk. Choose the nice guy. (Note: not this kind of “nice” guy.) Save yourself considerable pain and suffering (and maybe worse). I know you won’t take that advice, but now at least I can laugh at you later.

More to the point, I want to take my beautiful, talented, smart, funny, sexy, amazing girlfriends aside and say: for the love of God would you please stop it! Take “Magic Man” off of the repeat before I really do slap someone. There be nice men in the world who will treat you wonderfully if only you would let them. Instead, these women find themselves making up lame excuses to avoid nice men because they make them feel vaguely uncomfortable. For the love of $#^&! stop looking for a jerk who will treat you nicely.  That plan is - by definition - insane.

Why does he “keep doing …”?  Who f-ing cares!?  And - genius in full effect here - if he keeps doing it? I’m not gonna be too surprised if he KEEPS doing whatever it is.  Shee-it.