I never have attended church regularly, although I’ve been a visitor to many. I’ve been to Chinese weekend bible camp, and a Mormon temple (prior to dedication, for those paying attention) although I am neither Chinese nor Mormon. There are some houses of worship where I would like to go more often, or at all, if I did not feel that perhaps it would be rude: I’d go to several Baptist Gospel churches in the area because a rockin’ choir of beautiful ladies in white and gold skirt suits is my kind of worship; I’d like to check out the interior of our neighborhood synagogue, because I’ve always liked the building; and when I was in graduate school, I always wanted to attend prayer at the Mosque in town, but never worked up the nerve. I just feel it would be somehow rude to impose on a place of worship for what are essentially voyeuristic motives.
The problem is that I don’t particularly agree with organized religion (I believe that religious groups, ironically, foster a sense of “us” vs. “them” which is antithetical to the positive motives of embracing humanity, blah, blah, blah). Given my weakness for actually liking people (I know) and for wanting to help them (heaven forbid), this would be a particularly difficult problem for me. I’d end up being helpful to people in my congregation, rather than the coffee-shop fop I currently am for all.
Anyway, as I don’t plan on joining a church, I feel it is somewhat disingenuous to visit them. Unless, of course, I am asked - which is an entirely different matter. And, I am curious for reasons of my own. The HB has been a regular church goer in the past, and I’ve spent many hours scrutinizing and wondering about this. His family is Mormon, and - I mean - have you read that stuff?! I used to try to ask him about it, and talk to him about Mormon church history because - I mean - have you read that stuff?! I never understood his reticence and lack of interest. Then one day, finally, he explained. “Honey. It’s like I was once mugged and you keep trying to talk to me about muggers.” Maybe the most eloquent thing my husband ever said. At any rate, even when I have attended church on my own for research purposes, I seem to run into troubles of my own creation.
One particular Sunday usually comes to mind. I sometimes went to the 1:00 service at the University Ward of the Mormon Church. I would get out my flower prints and do up the back of my hair, and then after church I’d spend several hours in the lab, which was two blocks away. This particular meeting was the Father’s Day service, and a young woman who was about to embark on her mission had been called to speak. She was chewing gum into the microphone, her hair was still wet, and she began her 40 minute talk by saying she had just woken up, that she had in no way prepared - and suggested that those who knew her might well have anticipated this - and that she didn’t really know what she thought about the topic.
I will admit, although not without a proper sense of shame, that I have often been caused to question the wisdom of allowing church goers to actually speak in church, though have usually resolved the dilemma without too much mental anguish. In this case, my usual tactics (scrutinizing the people in seats around me, making sure the bishop is paying attention, correcting the grammar of the speaker, attempting not to squirm when the speaker sniffles into the microphone for several moments, and - most popular - constructing better talks on the same subject in my head) were not sufficient to pass the time.
After an honest and hard-lost struggle to not despise this young woman, to remain calm, and to extract some value from her point of view I gave in to full-blown fulmination upon the abomination before God that this particular church service had become. This was just WRONG. Not only was it a waste of my time (a possibility, as an irregular church goer, that I was well prepared for) it was an insult to God. What kind of shoddy production was this? Where was the Glory for God’s sake!? Didn’t these people give a lick of thought to what would go into a meaningful worship service. Etc., etc.
Given the length of the talk, I was able to get fairly annoyed by the time I left, and I stewed all week. Not only because of my original objections, but more annoying, the lingering feeling that I was entirely missing the point. I felt there must be something wrong with me if I could become so incredibly annoyed in church. Even in the face of, what I believe may arguably be, the Most Annoying Testimony Ever.
Finally, the solution came to me. Perhaps the entire service need not be orchestrated for my benefit. Perhaps not even for the benefit of many of the listeners. Who knew, really, what the point might actually be when worship was intended not for the audience, but for God? I finally understood what the higher powers have been trying to tell me whenever I go to Church: Worship service is for the glory of God - (and) not for me.
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